My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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