well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
