The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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