Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
