Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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