Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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