69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
