The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
