theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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