Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
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You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
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There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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