is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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