So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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