Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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