he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
