so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
