hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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