He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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