My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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