If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
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