I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
