He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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