i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
