i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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