You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
