martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
