And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
