You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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