fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He felt like a one man threesome
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
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