Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
