I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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