I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
