actually, I'm a sock model
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He passed out mid-signature
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
