James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
