He told me they were just razor bumps!
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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