My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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