I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
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I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
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my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
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