When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
