____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
