Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
try to milk me bitch
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
