I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
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