Fine. I'll sleep in my office
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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