the condom got lost in my hair
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
