I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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