I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
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