my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
