I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
