I wannas sexs uuuuu
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I wish there were birth control emojis
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
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