She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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