did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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