People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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