the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
