never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
