my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
